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Sunday, January 18, 2009
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I wish I could bottle up a little comfort and have it work for anyone who needs it. It wouldn't be food or sugar or even chocolate. It would be completely non-addictive, except that it really would ease your mind, and that feeling could be addicting in itself. I wish I could give the people who need it a little bubble of peace. Some place to step into, if only for a moment. In that bubble there would be a mirror, to reflect back the pure self, all the promise and all the potential of that face. That mirror would show the peace that is all around, to be found later, when needed. Pig used to come to my apartment to de-stress. Now she mostly doesn't have time. She said I was one of the only people she knew who didn't want anything from her. Her time, surely, I want, but once I have it I'm done. Little Bear told me once that I was a walnut shell, that she crawled into to heal, where I rocked her back to being okay. Now, she was done healing when she wrote those words, and gone, but the sentiment stuck with me. I do like to help. It's so worth it to me to bring a smile to someone's face, make someone laugh who really needs it. I might be able to live on that alone, actually. But the confluence of circumstances that lead to such a sweet moment seems rare. But maybe, just maybe, my sweet solo life and my tendency to want to fix are supposed to converge upon myself. Seems such a waste, I often think, when there are beautiful souls out there needing to be loved for who they are, needing to be given space to be who they are. I say that, and then I remember, that's what I really need: to be loved for who I am, to be given space and time to be who I am. If I really can love someone just for who they are, then I should start here, and give myself that lovely benefit. Sure I want love and affection from someone else. But even the fantasy of a relationship makes me hyperventilate and want to run away. (Run away!) And that, my friends, is why I have a cat. |